"Humor While We Wait" From Recaps Archives
From Recaps Archives:
Humor while we wait~ The Best Time For an RV
Midnight to 2 am est......The business day begins in Iraq
9 am est.........banks are open
12 noon est.....west coast banks are open
3 pm est.....Hawaii banks are open
5 pm est.....banks close
8 pm est.....west coast banks are closed
11 pm est....Hawaii banks close
Sunday 5 pm est....Forex updates
Monday......9 am est...make appt for Tuesday
Tuesday....All banks 'sync'
Wednesday......because they forgot to announce it on Tuesday
Thursday.....because its would be great to be in the bank and have money for the weekend
Friday.........Iraq likes Friday
Saturday.....because we have the day off and could still salvage the broke weekend
Anytime America or Iraq has a holiday on a Monday or Friday.......because Dr. Shabbibi always said he needs the banks closed for three days.
Anytime after the morning prayers and announcements in the Mosque in Iraq
After the lower denominations are are distributed.
Immediately after the rate change is posted on the CBI website
24-72 hours after the button is pushed
After President leaves the country......he can't be in country when it happens
As soon as the 'bad guys' are put in jail and the 'cabal' is dealt with
Anytime now since the 'good guys' took the money away from the cabal
After the Prosperity Packages are delivered
When the Black SUV's leave the gurus alone
Any day ending in y
When purple pigs fly.....
Originally posted by PatrickJane at TNT:
Subject: PLACES TO RETIRE POST-RV
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
OR
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.
OR
You can retire to New York City where...
1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression
OR
You can retire to Wisconsin where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!"
7. A five foot blonde who weighs 180 lbs is considered anorexic.
OR
You can retire to The Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart" at the end!
OR
You can move to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR
You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"
OR
FINALLY you can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
OR just stay where you are and complain about the same thing you complain about everyday..lol