Caution On Generosity
(Recaps Note: We do encourage giving and we want everyone to reap the gratifying rewards of doing so - Don't allow one unfortunate experience to leave you bitter - instead, learn from that by setting boundaries - exercising caution - and practicing other suggestions listed in these personal stories shared below -- If you have a story to share or suggestions please leave them in our comment section and thank you for doing so)
Personal Stories Shared For Caution Awareness
Ninjagran: As it starts to look as if things might be getting close, I see people posting about wanting to help others. Many of these plans sound great: wounded warriors, $1,000 tips to waitresses, etc. All I can say is--DON'T.
The Bible tells us to give secretly; don't even let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. When you give, keep it small and anonymous. Otherwise, you will do more harm than good.
True story. We have been hurting financially this last year. Nevertheless, I worked for nothing for a nonprofit. We also let some friends stay in our house for free, lent them money, and found the wife a job through the nonprofit.
The nonprofit hired staff at good salaries. Ran into tough times. Did anyone offer to take temporary pay cuts? No. Not even my own daughter in law. Although I was not in charge--I had been told so emphatically--I was still the one everyone resented when money got tight.
Yet I was the one not getting paid. We sold personal assets, including my late mother's jewelry, to give to the nonprofit to help pay staff. Did we even get a thank you? No.
The friends we took into our home moved out in a huff because they were in a "crummy little room". They knew it was all we had to offer, but still resented the fact that it wasn't better.
I am so glad we did not RV in October. I would have gifted everyone and wound up hated by all.
I learned that people hate to receive. Now, when it really does come through, the scenario will be different.
When I hear of someone in need, I will say I know about a foundation that makes grants. I will set up a website and make them apply online. Then, they will be approved by the foundation, with appropriate conditions: maybe volunteering at a soup kitchen. They will not know I had anything to do with it.
I will donate to causes I have checked out. The Water Project, for example, or others that don't have high overhead. No one will know I did it. I will help people and not lose friends.
Please learn from my experience. Give in secret. Otherwise, you will be hated.
Be generous anonymously. Just my opinion, based on very bitter experience.
Mot: It is amazing to me personally how folks that I had planned on doing something for them last year are No longer on my list... because of their changing attitudes towards life etc.
Those I did share things with ... simply went poof..
Years ago, we would throw really nice parties.. 25 to 50 folks would tramp through our house...
Not a Single invite to theirs...
I recently went to a charity function where they of course wanted $$$.. and they had a follow on function where the "Hook" could go even deeper. I did share my email.. and had mentioned that I was working with a foundation.
2 weeks later.. I received an invite to the next function and most important.. he made sure to request that foundation be made aware of the function
Agree..... I will help "Those who Help Others" but from behind the scene... Well written Warning !!!!
Freedomexpress: YES, I can certainly agree and verify that being the Nice Guy and bailing out Friends in need is often not the best answer! A couple of close friends and business associates fell on hard times and lost both cars and were close to loosing their home.
I wired funds to buy a modest car for them to use to get to and from their jobs. They both promised to pay me back a certain minimum amount each month until payed in full.
First payment about five weeks, second in another 2 months and the third and last payment was in another 3 months.
It's been well over four years now and they owe way more than $ 25k balance with simple-simple interest. They have driven it well over 100k miles additional and it's worth a fraction of what they owe me.
I even found out through another friend that within the first year they bought a second car and are making payments on that one to the bank. The Mortgage Company that has their Bank loan has not foreclosed and they are still living their for free for last several years. UGH!!!
City Girl: Ninjagran, I wholeheartedly agree with you. If one can give without the recognition and accolades of others, he is giving with sincere and selfless motives. The only one who should be glorified in our giving is God.
Also, once people know what we have, they'll inevitably feel entitled to it. Just ask all of those athletes in the ESPN documentary "30 for 30 Broke" Many of them went broke trying to "Help" their friends and family. Once the money was gone, so were the friends and family.
I love the foundation idea. I thought of something similar a couple of years ago. I hope others take your advice. Continued blessings, City Girl https://youtu.be/TSOAwNSv8EM
Cressey 30: Hi everyone, This post is very apt because I learnt many years ago that 'any good deed never goes unpunished!' You just have to be very cynical & suspicious about how your help will be used or abused.
Over the years I had been very successful & nearly 20 years ago an old friend was having problems with cash flow in his business.
His business was basically sound but just going through an awkward patch, which has happened to all of us now & again, & he was finding the funds difficult to come by, so I lent him the equivalent in your currency of $60000 which got him back up & running.
I told him that I did not want any interest & that he could pay me back at any time so as not to feel pressured. He was very successful after about 4 years & upgraded his house, cars & expanded his business.
I was going through a sticky patch because my middle son had died just 6 weeks after his younger daughter was born & I ended up supporting his widow & my grandkids for a period of time.
I just mentioned to my old friend the circumstances & asked if he still needed that loan. If he did would it be possible to give me just a small portion back to help me out.
He seemed to go a bit distant & kept putting off any concrete yes or no & then suddenly after another year, without any warning he had sold up & moved & to this day all I know is that he moved out of the country.So after a few more smaller incidents along similar lines I finally learnt my lesson.
I now never give money to help individuals but find some other way such as buying someone on the streets a meal or some clothing & I have found more gratitude from people getting something this small than from so called friends & relatives I have helped out in larger ways.
This RV will enable me to help certain institutes such as a couple of local hospices obtain better medical equipment & pay the wages of an extra nurse that they need, & other things along these lines.
My youngest son, who is in his 30s, has always berated me for being too generous over the years but he is quite correct in his way of thinking that you should make sure that you are OK & sort all your income out first before you start to help others then you know that you have more coming in than going out.
It is why an airline tells you to put your oxygen mask on first before you put one on your child or anyone else & so you all survive, because if you try to help them out first & pass out through lack of oxygen then you cannot help anyone else & they could die as well as you.
So here is to our success in being the anonymous benefactors to those who need it.
All my best wishes to you all.
Middledebo: I think everybody's experience is different here. If you give from the heart, that is all that is needed.
Beyond The Skies: Cressy30, Even with hospices you have to be careful. I worked 5 years as a chaplain for a local hospice and the director was the coldest, most insensitive, and arrogant women I ever met in my life.
During that time, 10 employees lost family members and she never once attended any of those funeral/memorial services. One of those losses was my mother whom was in their hospice house for 5 days (and was not acknowledge by the director as my mother even being there).
It was as if my mother never even died! Three years went by and not even one word such as, "how are you since your mother died?" But it doesn't stop there.
She never attended any of the hospice memorial services held every 4 months (honoring all patients who died in that time frame). But here is the kicker. When 2 board of directors lost family members, guess who shows up at both funerals putting on a show?
She then makes it a point to brag at the next staff meeting about those 2 funerals & her compassion. The non-profit hospital corporation who owns hospice has labeled her as "their golden girl" because of the profit she has made.
Then this past year this same cold-hearted-woman was featured in regional magazine as one of the "unsung heroes of Reno County." Appearances can be deceiving, even with all the non-profits out there!
Middledebo: No offense, (Beyond The Skies) but I think your expectations are a bit out of kilter. Why would the Director be going to the Memorial Services of all the patients? I would never expect that.
Her job is administrative. She would attend the memorials of the Board families because she works with them and has a personal relationship with them and she reports to them. Purely political, and we are kidding ourselves if we don't think that happens in all walks of life.
Yes, I suppose the ideal person would go to all the memorial services of her staff as well, but I don't see that as a responsibility. She is doing what she was hired to do. People have to set boundaries that sometimes others don't understand. She is doing her job, and that's what she feels is her responsibility.
As a chaplain, you would always see it as your job to be there for all of the patients on a whole different level. You obviously don't care for her, and that is certainly your right, but I think people also need to take care of themselves to have healthy boundaries. I'm sure that is what she feels she is doing.
I hope you can find a place for help with your ongoing grief about your mom. I'm sorry for your loss. It takes a long time to come to terms with losing someone we love. Hospice is wonderful, and I'm glad you are/were with people to help them transition. It is a very valued service, and I hope you are confident that you are able to offer that so well.
Desmo: middledebo: 'Beyond the Skies' was correct in his expectations. Your assumptions about the responsibilities of Hospice Administrators/Directors is incorrect.
It is a Federal Regulation (if a Hospice participates in Medicare) that a certain percentage of staff, which includes the Director, go to patient funerals and attend the Memorial services, which is part of the Hospice Bereavement Program.
It is also common practice that Administrators/Directors attend staff family funerals, if local. My wife is a certified Hospice & Palliative Care RN, and was horrified that someone that cold had a position within Hospice. A Hospice administrator that's good in business is not a good administrator without empathy
Brendad: Middledebo, Part of what you said is true, but, there is no excuse for any "good" administrator to not express compassion toward their employees.
Giving a card to any employee who has lost someone very close is priceless. Her secretary can even send out the cards for her. The lady whom I contract with has over 300 contractors and she gives a card to people who have lost immediate family members and a birthday card to everyone every year.
It brings a smile to my face when I go to my mailbox and find a card from her. Even though she did not personally hand it to me, it shows me that she cares.
REMEMBER, THERE MUST BE BALANCE IN EVERYTHING WE DO. THE NEW IRAQI PRIME MINISTER ABADI, EVEN REALIZES THAT.
Comments may be made at the end of Part 2 Thank You