Saturday Night “Humor While We Wait” Posted by Mot at TNT

Mot:  RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!".

*******************

Mot:  The woman shut up, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

After 30 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counseling.

The wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

 On and on and on, she went: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry-list of unmet needs she had endured.

 Finally, the therapist (who, BTW, is a man), got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her, long and passionately, as her husband watched -- with a raised eyebrow.

 The woman shut up, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and told him, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

 "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf!"

Mot: .. Ya Knows this Marital Thingy! - Careful What Ya Agreeee to!!! K!

Mot: . Seasoning Cums at Ya frum Allll Angles!!!!

Mot: . Gotta Love Earl!! --- LOL 

Sunday Night “Humor While We Wait” 4-21-2024

Mot:  ... ooooooh - oooooh -oooooh deeeeer! - ((( Uve beeeeeen Warneded )))

 Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.

"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.

"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."

"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."

Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.

At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.

"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"

Olaf just waves and walks off.

"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"

She replies, "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."

Mot:  And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside

And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue,

curse the umpire or call him an ashole. Do you understand all that?"

Once more, the small boy nodded in agreement.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,

it's not a dumb-ass decision or that the coach is a shoothead is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

Credits Goes to the respective Author ~

**********

Mot:  Continues to simply Amaze me the important Facts of Life You find on the Net....

Mot:  .. and Yet Another ""Time Saving Tip"" frum ole Mot!!

Mot:  . This is Only theoretical ... Just Hasnt happened Yet!!!

Thursday Night "Humor While We Wait"

TNT:

Mot:  Pilot “Gripe Sheet”

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

•

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

•

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

•

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

•

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

•

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

•

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That’s what friction locks are for.

•

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

•

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

•

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

•

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

•

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

Mot:  ITS A MAN THING.

 As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods,I got lost and, being a typical man,

I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

 I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I played like I've never played before for this homeless man and as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

 As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing........

Mot: Siiggghhhhhh - How do They Survive!!??? 

Mot:  .... and Just How Do Ya Read the California Signs - anyways????

Saturday Night "Humor While We Wait" Posted by Mot at TNT

Mot:  ... Amazing!!! MORE Top Information frum ole ""Mot"" of course!!

April 1 is named FOOL'S DAY, after Steve April.

 He was born on 1st April 1579.

 He did 105 businesses in his lifetime.

 He lost all his father's assets, and so everyone started calling him father of the fools.

 At 19, he married a 61-year-old woman who divorced him after a year because of his foolishness.

 He used to read all kinds of fake stories like you are doing now.

Mot:  . and Whats Ur -

Mot:  ............. Oooooooooooops!!!

Mot:  ..... ???? What Happened to the Green uns????

Mot: ... Meanwhile in Texas

Mot:  . Now Cotton, Now Carrot. Now --- HUH!!!????

Mot:  .... Now Ya Knows the Truth bout Easter Island…..

Friday Night "Humor While We Wait" 3-22-2024

TNT:

Mot: ..Well, I've officially lost my mind...just thought you all should know.

Well, I've officially lost my mind...just thought you all should know.

The other night I was packing for a trip and I wanted to bring my favorite pajamas.

I checked my dresser drawer and they weren't in there so I checked the hamper. No pajamas.

Checked the random clothing on the floor. Not there either.

Checked the washer. Checked the dryer. No pajamas.

Baffled at this point, I began checking the kids' hampers. No pajamas.

Checked the kids' dressers to see if they were put in there by accident.

Still no pajamas.

As I walk into my bathroom thinking, "how can somebody lose PAJAMAS?" I FINALLY see them.

Staring back at me in the mirror.

BECAUSE I AM WEARING THEM.

If that isn't a middle-aged slap in the face, I don't know what is.

Mot:  .. After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo

After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"

************

Mot: .. Value of a Good Education?? - Priceless!!!!

Mot: List of Sins

Mot: Conversations with a daughter

Mot:  ..... siiiggghhhhhh -- will I Be Able to Sleep tonight!!! 

"Happy St. Patrick's Day "Humor While We Wait" posted by Mot at TNT

Mot: Irish Sunday School

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them,

'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my  money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered 'NO!'. I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE DEAD.SILLY..."

************

Mot:  An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and...........

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.

‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!

************

Mot: Yeppers!! -- Its' OK to ~~~~~Pretend to be Irish

Mot: ... Word to the Wise!!!

Mot: Yep!! Another Weather Telling Tip!!! But Ya Has to be Irish!!! ~~~~ oh ~~ From Mot of course ~~~

Mot:  The ole Irish Beer Troubleshooting Chart !!!...........

"We're All In This Together" by Dr. Dinar

From Recaps Archives………

We're All In This Together    by Dr. Dinar

So, here we are, new Month of a new year…….And we're still broke and waiting.

How can that be. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

For those of you that have been around for a good number of years I'm sure you'll remember the feeling of praying that your IQD order would arrive in time.

After all, we only had a couple few short days before the RV was gonna "pop" and you'd hate to miss out on such a "once in a lifetime, too good to be true" event simply because the Fed Ex driver threw your package on the wrong porch.

Even worse, some of the rumors floating around back then painted a horrifying picture of a convoy of Fed Ex drivers pullin' a mutiny, driving their trucks overflowing with dinar deliveries straight down the Overseas Highway to Key West, grabbin' hold of their Pirate's Booty shortly before scramblin' aboard a fast boat to the Bahamas, never to be seen nor heard from again.

Fortunately for all of us, that super scary scenario never materialized.

Just as the "this RV is gonna pop in the next two weeks" rumor window never came true. Just another rumor.

Was this our formal introduction to the RV Rumormill? Looking back, as it turns out I guess you could say it was.

Did we recognize it at the time? Nope. We just thought it was someone's way too overactive imagination, once again, running away with them. Or with our IQD as it were.

Which, for the most apart, was easily understandable.

I mean, there we were. A bunch of regular everyday folks from all walks of life, perhaps 1% of us at most having any prior experience dealing with foreign currency at any level, expecting to turn a thousand dollars into millions.

Talk about insane, we were pretty much the default Poster Children for insanity.

In fact, back then I'll bet you could check the internet for the definition of the word lunatic and chances are you'd see a photo of a typical Dinarian.

Or as we were so affectionately known to the higher-ups back then, a Toothless Crackhead.

 Sure, you could  say we were totally gullible but we couldn't avoid being lured in by people that claimed to know someone high up that we didn't know nor had any hopes of knowing.

Someone that supposedly knew someone who really knew something secret about something we'd never know anything about.

But it's not like we were waiting outside a Casino in Reno, hoping to get invited in to join an exclusively elusive Group. Now THAT would be insane.

Okay, so yeah, we were pretty much fish in a barrel, waiting for the gun to go off.

Add to that most of us being completely surrounded by a sea of naysaying Wives, Brother in Law's, Cousins, Barbers, Gardeners, Hairdressers, Baristas, you name it, all of them thinking we should be locked up in a nearby random Rubber Room because we'd obviously lost our minds.

Therefore it was easily understandable that an inmate or two had flown the Cuckoo's Nest and somehow managed to get such an unbelievable rumor bouncing around in Dinarland.

However, what we didn't know was just how prevalent the rumors would come to be.

Not to mention each one out to outdo the current level of insanity, taking the extreme to new and never before seen heights.

In the beginning it was all Iraq, all the time. And so you'd think they'd eventually run out of "stuff" to blab about. But oh how wrong you'd be in thinking such a thing.

From Maliki's relentlessly moronic monkey business to Talibani's having a heart attack and being flown to Germany one day, only to be spotted playing a quick 18 holes with Allawi, Barzani and Shabibi at Baghdad Country Club the next day, it was easy to see there was nowhere these Rumorians were afraid to tread.

Nothing was off limits for them. After all, they had a ready-made audience starving for camel crumbs, ready, willing, and able to devour what few nuggets came floating their way.

Again, easily understandable because for the majority of us Iraq was like the lost city of Atlantis.

A place we'd all heard of, hoping it existed, but for 98% of us a place that only existed on our computer monitors and TV screens.

What we did have was hope. Faith. Believing that as ridiculous as some of the rumors were, we still had to believe that Iraq was real.

Therefore the RV was real as well.

And based on our research (since we had plenty of time to do lots of research), Iraq was indeed real.

Even if most of the "stories" emanating from the Green Zone weren't.

As time went on, the GCR digging in and getting some traction, they continually turned up the rumor wick, creating some of the most "off the wall" rumors you can imagine.

It was almost as if they'd hired a team of Hollywood screenwriters (which, come to think of it, was another rumor floating around at the time) to constantly keep the World of Confusium well fed.

With each new Country and currency added to the "baskets", along came a fresh supply of hopium to keep all of Dinarleand overflowing with insanity.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any crazier, there was an Alien Clone Prepper wearing a gold tie holding a fringeless New Republic flag waiting just around the next corner, anxious to prove you wrong.

That has been the one constant in all of this. The constant rumors.

We've always been told that as we near the end of this journey we'd see a decrease in the amount of currency available for purchase.

We'll never really know if that's true or not. And to be honest, it would take an awful lot for me to believe it anyway.

But one thing we'll never see is any decrease in the creative minds constantly conjuring up more rumors for us to run on.

Why would they stop. It's the fool... oops, I mean "fuel" of Dinarland.

Continually keeping everyone looking over here, while the real going's-on will always remain over there.

Behind the curtain, never to be known by us regular folks.

And if it's in the news, it's only because it's either already happened or it's what they want you to believe is happening.

Nothing whatsoever to do with what we want to know.

Regardless of who or what you believe, as crazy as it may seem, at the end of the day the one "dependable" we can all depend on is our belief in the RV/GCR scenario and its eventually fruitful outcome.

While we may not know the rate or date, nor the "how" it's all going to play out, one thing we do know is that there's someone else out there that shares our thoughts and beliefs, as well as our perseverance. Which is huge.

And they're willing to go the distance, just as we are.

Isn't it somehow strangely comforting to know there's another 5 million or so people in the world heading in the same direction, equally as insane as you are.

It is for me, that's for sure.

I'd hate to think I'm gonna be alone in that Rubber Room.

Hang in there folks, we're all in this together and we're almost there.

Sincerely,

Dr. Dinar

Disclaimer; I'm not a Wealth Manager, Financial Advisor, CPA, Tax Attorney, RV/GCR Committee member, nor am I a time traveler from the Twilight Zone. I'm simply someone that chooses to believe in the power of positive thinking and on the odd chance this thing truly is real, I want to make sure I'm there at the finish line to enjoy it.

Saturday Night "Humor While We Wait" Posted by Mot At TNT

Mot:  Why Some Men Have A Dog And No Wife:...............

Why Some Men Have A Dog And No Wife:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

And last, but not least:

12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open it and see who's happy to see you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.. You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Mot:  . ooooohhh - the magic Ya Gets from Raising the ""Wee Folks"" Sandals for birthday

Mot: . Puts Me foot Down I Did!! - Made the Big Decision!!! - Sooo I'm travel the world

"Humor While We Wait" Chuckles from Sabickford and Recaps Archives

Sabickford:  One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... l The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were at her high school reunion. She kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up years ago. I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...

Our lawn mower broke. My wife kept hinting that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something to do first, always important to me. She thought of a way to make her point. I came home from work to find her seated in the grass, snipping with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched then went into the house. I came out and handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but always with a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......

Saturday morning I got up early and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. I turned on the radio. It said the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" That's how the fight started...

I went to the Social Security office to apply. The lady behind the counter asked me for my ID. I realized I had left my wallet at home. I said I'll have to come back later. The Lady said, 'Open your shirt'. I showed my silver hair. She said, 'That's is proof enough for me' and processed application. When I got home, I told my wife what happened. She said, 'Next Time drop your pants. You would have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." And then the fight started........

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started

The man who invented autocorrect has died. Restaurant in peace

When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead. It is difficult only for others. It is the same if you are stupid.

I'm just waiting to see if my coffee chooses to use it's power for good or evil today.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind," Dr Seuss

Her: You never listen to me. You only hear what you want to hear!" Me. " Yes I would like a Beer"

My Dentist said I need a crown. I was like "I know right?"

I need a vacation. And by "Vacation" I mean I need to move away, find a new job on a beach with rum.

I never called you stupid but when I asked you how you spelled Mississippi and you asked me it I was talking about the state or the river, you kind of caught me off guard.

Way too many of my stories end up with " and That's why I'm not allowed to go back there anymore"

I'm so broke my nervous breakdown is on layaway

Wife came in from shopping. Husband was holding a fly swatter. Did you get them? she asked. Yup. 3 males and 2 females. How do you know that? 3 were on the beer can and 2 were on the phone!

I tried cooking supper with wine tonight-- Didn't go so well. After 5 glasses I forgot why I was even in the kitchen.

Don't forget to buy a bottle for Mom (Mother's Day) Remember you are the reason she drinks.

The secret of enjoying a good wine - 1. Open bottle to allow it to breathe. 2. If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth to mouth

Attention All Drama Queens - Auditions have been canceled for today!

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

I want to start juicing but I'm hesitant to start. I don't know how to juice Tacos.

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer screen will say, "Your password is incorrect."

I'm great at multi-tasking - I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

Tomorrow is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day!" I just made that up. Tell the Others,

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking

I had My Wife Begging to me the other night - She was on her knees Begging - She Said Please come out from under the Bed and Fight Like A Man

For the first time in forever, I decided to go shoot some pool tonight. You should have seen the look on the face of those swimmers.

I've finally lost my mind. If found Don't bother to return it. It wasn't working properly anyway.

I'm Living in a drama free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, Respect it!

I have zero tolerance for racism, Turkey Bacon, decaf Coffee, and Non-Alcoholic Beer

If your Significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now You're Super Mad!". If they Laugh, Marry Them

Why Weigh yourself? You could set yourself on Fire and then roll in Broken glass and still feel the same way.

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which comes from a tree. That makes it a plant, therefore , Chocolate counts as a salad. You're Welcome.

When you see my head tilt to the right and I start to stare into space, I would RUN! The voices inside my head gave me a brilliant idea. Be very Afraid!

Never ask a woman eating ice cream straight from the carton if she is OK

Today I bought a doughnut without the sprinkles. Diets are hard.

You may not have lost all your marbles, but there's definitely a hole in your bag.

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. So have fun and give them something to talk about.

Some say that their body it a temple…Mine is a bouncy castle

Instead of a sign that says "Do Not Disturb" I need one that says 'Already Disturbed, Proceed with Caution".

Now, If you'll excuse me, Tonight's bad decision isn't going to make itself.

"Marriage Quips" Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  Here’s a little collection of the funniest, most relatable marriage quips I’ve come across in January of 2024.

Hope these add some laughs to your day!   Janene

#1 Oh boy…

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer)

#2 Rookie mistake, buddy…

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux)

#3 Sounds familiar!

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix)

#4 I have a lot of things in my purse, but I’ll admit a burrito is not one of them LOL!

My wife just told me to get a burrito from the front pocket of her purse and I've never been more in love in my life.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn)

#5 We all know the outcome of this…

Five words that absolutely terrify my husband: “I'll go check for myself."

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy)

#6 How about Amazon trucks that start selling ice cream??

How ‘bout Amazon trucks that play music like ice cream trucks so my wife knows when to go running out to the curb.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish)

#7 Women are prepared for anything…

My wife literally has everything in her purse.

Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice.

She had 2 of each.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy)

#8 Sounds about right!

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) January 8, 2024

#9 My daughter did this the other day…

One minute you’re happily married and the next minute he’s cut open a resealable Costco-sized bag.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids)

#10 Good luck with that…

At the store when my wife texted from home, "THERE IS SOMETHING HUGE MOVING AROUND IN THE ATTIC" so I think I'll just hang out here in Aisle 5 for a while.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix)

#11 Being snowed in in 1982 and being snowed in today are two different stories!

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all week is we haven't had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland)

#12 Well played, my friend…

I was annoyed at my husband for misplacing his sunglasses again. After retracing our steps, I realized I was actually sitting on them in the car. So, I threw them under his seat and became the hero when I found them.

Follow me for more marriage advice.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy)

#13 I do miss my kids being little but I do not miss all the birthday parties!

Let's get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid's birthday party where everyone coughs.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland)

#14 I admit I’m a little guilty of this…

Mornings when my wife can sleep in:

Me: [tiptoeing around, whispering to kids, wearing only socks, using AirPods to keep the TV volume and Zoom meetings from disturbing her]

Mornings when I can sleep in:

Wife: DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT A SMOOTHIE [sound of blender]

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix)

#15 Accurate!

Marriage is driving by gas stations and announcing the prices.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy)

#16 I just ask my son, a TV and film buff who never forgets a fact…he’s like a walking, talking IMDB…

every relationship needs one person who says “What else has he been in” while watching something and one person who excitedly reads their IMDB out loud

— buffalo bill dan (@FranziaMom)

#17 LOL, my husband and his Android ruin all of our group chats…

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

— 🌜🤷‍♂️ Dad Moon Rising 🤷‍♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla)

#18 Oh, that can’t be good…

I texted my wife asking how her day was going and she wrote back DO WE HAVE LIMES so I guess there's my answer.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix)

#19 That’s fair…

My wife changed the password on the TV because I watched one of our shows when she wasn't home.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy)

Mot: Clever He Is!!    

Mot:  I'll Beeeeeee Right There!!!!!

"Bits and Pieces" Posted by Mot at TNT

Mot:  Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

Mot:  .... "I know what the Bible means!"

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly,"       It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

****************

Mot:  A Glass Of Milk...............

To pay for his education, a poor boy used to sell goods from door to door. One day, the young boy found he was really hungry but had no money to buy any food. He decided to ask for something to eat when he knocked on the front door of the next house.

A beautiful young woman opened the door, and the boy lost his nerve. He simply asked for a drink of water, too embarrassed to ask for food. The young woman brought him a glass of milk, which the boy greedily drank.

The boy asked her how much he owed, but she simply smiled and said her mother had taught her to be kind to others and never expect anything in return. The young boy left the woman's home with a full tummy and a heart full of renewed strength to push on with his education and continue working hard. Just when he was ready to quit, the woman had instilled in him newfound faith and fortitude.

Years later, in a big city, renowned surgeon Dr. Howard Kelly was called to consult on a woman who was suffering from a rare disease. When the woman told him the name of the small town where she lived, Dr. Kelly felt a faint memory arise in his mind, and then suddenly recognition dawned on him. She was the woman who had given him the glass of milk many years ago.

The doctor went on to provide the woman with the very best care and made sure she received special attention. In fact, it was his skills as a doctor that saved her life. After a long and difficult hospitalization, the woman was finally ready for discharge home. The woman was worried it would take her years to settle her account with the hospital. Her serious illness and long hospital stay had produced a substantial bill. However, when she received the bill, she found that Dr. Kelly had paid the entire bill himself and written a small note for her.

The note simply stated: Paid in full with a glass of milk.

Mot: . Not Sure What Direction I should Gogh 

Mot: ... and Now Ya Knows - WHO!!!!