From Our Archives
A Lesson in Fatherhood:
Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.
There is something about babyness that brings out the softness in people and makes them want to hug and protect this small thing that moves and dribbles and produces what we poetically call poopoo.
The arrival of a baby coincides with the departure of our minds.
She was a college graduate, a child psychology major with a B-plus average, which means, if you ask her a question about a child’s behavior, she will give you eighty-five percent of the answer.
e were well prepared for natural childbirth, which means that no drugs can be given to the female during delivery. The father, however, can have all he wants.
Like every man, of course, I had no understanding of how a labor pain really feels. Carol Burnett said, “If you want to know the feeling, just take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.”
I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Except for the cost of the child, which my lead you to consider joining organized crime, fathering is easier today than it was when I began.
You know why John D. Rockefeller had all that money? Because he had only one child, so he didn't have to spend ninety thousand dollars on Snoopy pens and Superhero mugs and Smurf pajamas and Barbie Ferraris.
Calvin (Klein) is the slick operator who sells your kids things for eighty-five dollars that cost seven at Sears. He has created millions of tiny snobs, children who look disdainfully at you and say, “Nothing from Sears.”
The two most important things to the American female are man’s prevention of nuclear war and man’s putting the toilet seat down.
Mothers who have experience in the trenches of family warfare are sometimes even driven to what I call anticipatory parenting. They ask a child a question, he tries to answer, and they say, “You shut up! When I ask you a question, you keep your mouth shut! You think I'm talking to hear myself talk? Answer me!”
I am not a physicist, but I'm sure that the theory of the conservation of energy was discovered while watching an eight-year-old pretend to work.
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His kids.
After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was “Don’t.”
To be fair, however, I must admit that from time to time children do like to share with siblings. For example, once in a while a brother will try to remove his sister’s arm so he can play with it.
The American father cannot be trusted to put together combinations of clothes. He is a man who was taught that the height of fashion was to wear two shoes that matched..
In spite of all the scientific knowledge to date, I have to say that the human animal cannot be the most intelligent one on earth because he is the only one who allows his offspring to come back home.
Look at anything that gives birth: eventually it will run and hide. After a while, even a mother elephant will run away from its child and hide. And when you consider how hard it is for a mother elephant to hide, you can appreciate the depth of her motivation.
I was wrong when I said that the big expense for you would be buying a car. Let us now discuss the cost of college – unless you would rather do something more pleasant, like have root canal work.
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